


Will You Be There When I Call?

by BellaB



Series: Ir'ah Verse [5]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Assemble related, F/M, Graphic Language, James "Bucky" Barnes (mentioned) - Freeform, M/M, Nick Fury - Freeform, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Past Tony Stark/Tiberius Stone, Phil Coulson lives because I said so, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Protective Avengers, Protective Steve, SHIELD, Slow Build, Somewhat, We meet Brock Rumlow here, phil coulson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2019-08-14 18:06:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16497593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaB/pseuds/BellaB
Summary: Sometimes you need more reassurance than you think. Tony will learn this the hard way as he has had to do his whole life.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go with the slow build. 
> 
> Also I didn't revise this because the first time I wrote this I lost all the work and this time I just can't be bothered to go over it. If you find a mistake let me know below.

It's been a while since the last time Steve's access codes to Tony's workshop had been revoked. Steve knew not to be surprised by anything the genius did, he was a spontaneous man. Full of surprises everyday that the good Captain has known him. He had his reasons for doing things that sometimes Steve didn't understand until the man would finally emerge with a new scientific discovery and scurrying off to find Bruce or when an explosion would go off and he'd appear with the black residue on his face grumbling about 'temporary setbacks' before making himself another coffee.

This time was different. 

It wasn't like those other times because those other times at least Steve had been told he wouldn't be allowed to enter, that Tony needed to be fully focused on this one. No, this time Tony went without a word. Barely acknowledging his team as he made a beeline straight back to the Tower after their mission. Shut off all direct communication to him and JARVIS was muted unless they required anything other than information on Tony. 

Tony had locked himself in his workshop and Steve knew exactly why. It made his skin crawl and dread pool in the pit of his stomach because he knew Tony wouldn't come out until the Goddess came back to the Tower.

It didn't matter how hard he tried to break through the walls or glass, Tony had apparently developed a lockdown mechanism that was immune to the strength of the super soldier and more importantly Mjolnir (He suspected the Goddess having something to do with that). It didn't matter that after the second day he called Pepper and even she wasn't allowed access into the workshop. It didn't matter that after the fifth day Colonel Rhodes made it quite clear to JARVIS as he stood outside the workshop that if ' _you don't tell that idiot to open up the goddamn door I swear I will break through and destroy the damned place myself'._

Colonel Rhodes then proceeded to quietly plead with the A.I when that didn't work and Steve heard an apologetic tone in JARVIS' voice when he still declined.

Clint had tried getting in through the vents but Steve knew that if he had taken the time to reinforce the walls and glass that he had surely taken the time to make sure absolutely  _nothing_ could get in or out without his jurisdiction. It was safe to say Clint wouldn't attempt to go back after his eyebrows had been singed off. Natasha couldn't do much on her end either, no matter how many time she tried to hack into his systems. Apparently his codes rewrote themselves anytime she tried and with the stringed curses in Russian he knew that that was just another lost cause. 

Bringing out the Hulk was a no go with Bruce who retreated into his own lab quietly. 

To make matters worse, on the sixth day Thor sadly reported that he couldn't manage to contact the Goddess. 

She had been away for two months and Tony had been locked in for six days. 

Even though Steve had grown frustrated he didn't take it out on the upset God. Simply thanked him for trying and took his leave to the gym to work off the stress this whole situation was causing him. 

He had though they had moved passed this. Since the helicarrier, Tony and Steve had a rocky relationship. Only speaking when necessary and barely acknowledging one another. It was easy at first, when Tony had invited him to live at the Tower he had extended that invitation to the whole team. Having the others there was an easy enough distraction to avoid confrontations with the genius until Steve realized on a mission when Tony got hit pretty badly that maybe the man wasn't what he had read him out to be.

Even though flying the missle through the giant hole in the sky was enough to mark Stark 'okay' in his books that didn't mean Steve would brush aside all the brash that came with him. He was rude, egotistical and so much more that frustrated Steve but even he couldn't deny that there was more to the man than he thought. 

So he started with small exchanges of conversations, never rising to the man's bait as he used to and learned to differentiate between his sarcasm and jokes. He learned that they were a defense mechanism most times and other times he was just simply joking. He would then start asking the man about pop culture references and Tony had been more than happy to sit through a Star Wars marathon (animatedly giving his input every now and then) which then turned into a Star Trek marathon and they soon ended up turning that into a sort of family movie night where the team would gather around the communal floor on Thursdays to watch a film Steve and even Thor hadn't seen.

Steve also learned the difference between Tony's press smile and real one. He was sitting in the man's workshop sketching away as the genius worked and talked on and on about what he was working on, the schematics and programming that when it stopped Steve looked up curiously to see the man smiling brightly at the hologram before him. There was a twinkle in his eyes and how the skin would crinkle at the edges. The way Tony just seemed so relax and content, happy made all the difference compared to stiff and a forced face he managed to fool others with for years. It almost took the Captains breath away until Tony's voice snapped him out of it with orders to JARVIS to save the program and began working on a new one. 

It was safe to say Steve had found something else to sketch that moment on and he always glanced up in case he would see that smile again. Which he did, and he would even be on the receiving end of it sometimes.

The bag he was punching against collapsed and was sent flying across the room. Steve sighed. He had thought Tony trusted him enough to be there for him when he needed it. 

"You're frustrated." Relief bloomed in his chest when he heard the voice but quickly died down when he turned to meet the womans face. 

She looked exhausted. She had a faint edge or purple underneath her eyes and she appeared thinner than the last time he's seen her but even with that she still managed the appearance of the Goddess she was as she walked closer to him. 

"It's been a long week." He answered simply. " _Where_ _have you been?"_ It was easy for Steve to worry about Tony all over again, to disregard the troubling appearance he didn't know Gods or Goddess could have. He couldn't help that the question came off choked with a slight accusation towards it. 

"Busy." She answered simply. "I see Anthony hasn't been the only one neglecting self care." 

"You've seen him?" The hope in Steve's eyes died down when she shook her head. 

"No. I thought I would get some answers before I walk into what I know was done purposely." She crossed her arms and raised an expectant eyebrow at Steve. He briefly wondered when was the last time she got rest before filling her on the the mission prior to Tony's retreat into the workshop. He made sure to fill her on Tony's panicked voice, how he had a panic attack and how he shoved away from the group and booked it back. He didn't have much to say on how he was considering his revoked access and she took this all in a stride. 

"Get some rest Steven." She said softly, a gently hand on his arm. "I will take care of this now." 

Steve wouldn't rest until he knew how Tony was, but that didn't stop the heaviness of his eyelids when she spoke to him or the way his body was begging to feel lighter. 

He mumbled his 'okay' and he gentle smile was the last thing he saw. 

 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ir'ah returns and finally has a talk with Tony.

Perhaps it was the fact that Tony had spent so much time working up what to say to her, going as far as making a presentation Pepper would be envious of if he was being completely honest. Maybe it was when the days past and she didn't show up that Tony worked on everything  _and_ anything including the paperwork Pepper sent over that had him rethinking his whole lockdown to begin with. Tony knew she wouldn't agree, she made it clear when he brought it up alone with her or with the team present. Maybe he could change her mind. Tony knew he could be convincing when he wanted to. 

It could also be his lack of sleep that had his mind reeling in fifty directions and in no direction at all that when she finally showed up he had absolutely nothing to say. Not when she asked JARVIS to shut off the music, not when JARVIS _actually listened_ to her, not when she came closer and took the tools in his hands and placed them on the bench or when she dragged a stool to sit beside him. 

"You wanted to see me?" Tony only blinked at her as she waited patiently, her eyes never leaving his. He wanted to point out that her eyes looked tired and that she was forcing the calm she usually carried. He wanted to point out that maybe he isn't the only one who needed to rest because he knew she would scold him about it later. 

But all Tony did was nod. She hummed and leaned her elbow on the workbench and her head in her palm watching him expectantly. Tony opened his mouth and closed it. His tongue was surprisingly dry. He cleared his throat and rose from his stool and he ordered JARVIS to bring up the presentation, because that's the only thing he could think of at this moment. It was the reason he wanted to see her, it was the reason he went into lockdown to begin with. 

He needed Ir'ah to fix something he could not. 

Once the presentation was up, however, Tony didn't know what to say. He practiced this and went over it so many times he knew it down to a T but this, with her finally here. He just  _knew_ this wasn't what he needed from her. 

"Captain Rogers told me what happened." Ir'ah said, filling the silence between them. She rose to meet the projection of slides he had on display, gliding through them as her eyes gazed over each one. "I think you already know why I won't assist you Anthony."

Tony watched as she opted to go over to the couch and with an expectant look from her he followed, his presentation now forgotten in his mind. 

"I have a feeling that that wasn't what you wished to see me about. Not really at least."

"I kind of expected you to put me to sleep." Tony finally said. 

"You are a grown man Anthony. It is not my job to make sure you take care of yourself." 

Tony knew she was right, of course she was right. But this was the only way to make sure she came and she did. Days later (he's pretty sure it's only been days) but she did. He only nodded which seemed to be the only way he would respond today. God, he really needed to get some sleep. He also really needed to figure out what to say. She looked through his presentation, denied him even when he had listed all the facts. He understood why but he just still didn't know what to do. 

Because he feels like he should still do something. 

"You know," Ir'ah began, leaning back into the couch and looking up at the ceiling. "When I was a young girl just discovering my abilities I accidentally killed off my mother's garden. It was the size of your parks, Central Park? I believe it is called? Yes she had a fit of course, I was put to study all hours of the days to come as punishment but I knew she was not entirely angry. I knew because I felt it, I did not understand what being able to feel emotions was back then but as time went on I figured it out. Your body sends out chemicals and signals. It is the same for almost every species. Some celestials can still be hard to read but I did not really bother because emotions soon became brushed away by the simple feel of others. Can you imagine walking into a kingdom full of your people and actually being able to  _feel every single one in there?_ Now imagine a whole world! It is a lot to bear when you are merely a child. 

Odin arrived to Dolem not long after I was beginning to show more and more and before you ask no, I was not born on Asgard. Thor and I are from different worlds. Dolem is my home world, not apart of the nine realms but still allies. King Odin bet with my father King Tobias and he already knew who I was. It was then and there I was announced Ir'ah, the Goddess of Life and it was still very strange to watch hundreds bow before me. It is still strange to this day. 

But with being who I am, came a lot of responsibility. I had to learn very quickly that I could not be there for everyone. I am only one me, with billions and billions of living things in this universe. I had to learn to bear the burden because at the time, it was a burden. I had to learn to shut out pain because at one point I was going to allow that to kill me. I learned that I will make terrible decisions, not just bad, because the decisions I had to make could potentially kill half of a world's population. Centuries Anthony, centuries upon centuries where I had to learn these things and more. I cannot save everyone. I learned that I wasn't born to do that. I can bring peace where I can, make life easier if I could. But to bring back life when it is already the time to leave is not one of the things I was brought here to do. 

I can do as much as I can, where I can. That is all any of us can do really. We cannot just shut down because something terrible happens because it can happen again and it can happen much worse. We cannot prevent the bad things from happening but we can work to make things better."

Ir'ah took Tony's hands in hers and smiled softly. 

"You carry around a great burden, I know nothing I say can make it better because you would have to believe me in order for it to happen. You are a good man Anthony, one with a big heart. I am sorry that boy lost his life but that was not your fault. You did all you could do and so did your teammates. It is what you do after, that really counts." 

Tony didn't know when his eyes began to water or when the tears fell down. The exhaustion from the past couple days catching up to him and he slumped into her open arms. She felt warm and safe and Tony felt relaxed (at least for now). 

"Did you feel it?" His asked, his voice the softest she heard. "When he died, did you feel it?" 

If Tony wasn't curled up against her he would have seen the saddest smile and the saddest eyes. 

"I feel all of them." 

Ir'ah began to hum a tune that eased his mind and he drifted off into a sleep with the knowledge that perhaps this woman, this Goddess, bears the biggest burden of them all. 

-

She exited Tony's room quietly, making her way to the common area where she knew he would find him. The sleeping soldier on the couch still in a deep slumber and Thor, standing by the vast windows staring out into the bright night. She moved to stand with him, neither of them saying anything. She could feel the buzz in her skin, the life below her and all around. Sometimes it was a pleasant feel to have. 

"Did you tell him?" Thor whispered quietly. "About her?" 

"No." Neither of them moving their eyes away from the sight below. "It was not necessary." Thor simply hummed, turning away. 

"I believe it is time for you to take your own advice and rest." With one last long look, Ir'ah allowed herself to be led away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the largest brain fart in the history of brain farts. Hope you guys like this, I'm kinda proud of this chapter if I say so myself.


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't edit this chapter so I'll fix the errors later.

Tony didn't expect much when he woke the next day (which yes, he confirmed it with JARVIS that it was in fact eleven hours since Ir'ah's arrival). The smell of coffee coming from his kitchen is too be expected. JARVIS always made sure his brew was ready for the beginning of the day so no, he didn't think much of the smell of coffee. More so, his curiosity piqued at the smell of pancakes and eggs and bacon! Jesus when was the last time he ate? He could feel his mouth salivating at the smell, his feet picking up pace to get to the source faster. 

And okay, he really shouldn't be  _that_ surprised that Steve is up here, in his penthouse making him breakfast. 

Okay, so he was really surprised because since when did Steve go out of his way to bring ingredients up from the common floor to his just to make him breakfast? And why is his table already set for more than just himself and Steve?  _And why does Steve look like he didn't go on his run this morning?_ Mind you, Tony really isn't complaining that Steve is up here, it just didn't make sense. 

You see, Steve had a schedule. One that he sticks with everyday and it was just a few minutes until noon which meant that Steve should have woken six hours ago to start his day like the early bird he was. But no, here he is with bed hair still intact (and no Tony certainly didn't think that was adorable) making breakfast for what looked to be for the whole team. Which meant he has been here for maybe an hour or so. 

So Tony cleared his throat because what else was he supposed to do? And Steve spun around, taking the pan he was holding with him in one hand and a spatula in the other.

"Tony!" He said as if surprised by the other man's presence.  _They were on his floor of the Tower._ "You're here!" 

Tony offered a small smile and made his way over to where his brew was waiting for him. 

"Yes, this is my floor last I checked." He could feel Steve's eyes on him and he restrained from rolling his eyes. "Good morning by the way. Or should I say afternoon?"

That seemed to snap Steve out of his gaze, moving the pancake that was in the pan to stack with the rest on a large plate. 

"It's still morning technically." Tony hummed, bringing the mug up to his lips and sighing in relief as the hot liquid slid down his throat and warmed him up inside.

Steve turned off the stove, bringing the large plate of pancakes to join the plate of eggs and bacon at the center of the table as Tony followed along and took a seat. 

 

"JARVIS can you inform the team that breakfast is ready?"

"Already did Captain."

"Thank you."

It was silent for a moment, aside from the sound of Tony sipping his coffee. Tony half expected Steve to start asking questions, demand to know why he locked himself in his workshop in the first place or more so why Steve _was locked out._ JARVIS would tell him that Steve waited outside the workshop about an hour each time he brought a plate a food he never touched, hoping that Tony would lift the lockdown to at least eat. Each day, without fail Steve would come and request entry only to be denied but he still came and Tony knew he hurt the good Captain by doing so. 

"So I'm hosting breakfast today?" Tony wasn't going to outright tell him what's going through his head. Yes, Ir'ah gave him some sort of 'closure' so to speak but it doesn't mean he still doesn't feel what he felt when it happened. It just wasn't going to change after one pep talk but Tony now understood more of his  _why_ than he did before.  

So what better way to avoid the topic then by steering away from it?

"Yeah, sorry. I would have told you but you were sleeping." Steve ran a hand through his hair. "Ir'ah suggested it actually and Natasha kind of enforced it. Hard to say no to those two. 'specially when you get two bags full of groceries shoved into you and forced into an elevator." 

"Should we worry about those two teaming up together? I feel like we should be worried about them teaming up together." Steve laughed and shook his head. 

"I think it's better we don't get on their bad side. Besides, not sure I would worry much about those two together if I were you." 

Tony felt as though he was missing something. There was a tone in Steve's voice, one that was never good when being put into use. It was the tone he used when he was usually up to something, a mischievous intent masked with innocence and Tony really  _did not_ _like it._

Steve being Steve caught onto the narrow of Tony's eyes, the questioning behind the intense glare and he decided it'd be best to humor him. 

"She met Rhodes, Tony." 

Tony wasn't sure if his heart stopped or not but the sound of the elevator opening announcing the arrival of the rest of the team didn't ease the panic in his mind. Because Tony has lived with Steve and his mother henning and seriously, he wanted to choke the man sometimes but back in his MIT days where he met Rhodey he knew which of the two was worse. Where Steve had a caring, patient nature, Rhodey could be down right scary and if the man was here and not back with the military than he must've been informed of what Tony did. 

The two were the last to enter, Tony completely ignoring Clint with his return from the underworld joke and kept his eyes on them, the Goddess having a twinkle in her eye as she listened to what Rhodey had to say. 

Rhodey, who sat across from Tony and next the Ir'ah. 

Rhodey, who didn't even acknowledge him in the slightest. Preparing his plate of food and thanking Steve for being kind enough to prepare it. 

Rhodey who was most definitely going to kill Tony if he didn't do anything about it.

"You even think about getting up and your made up scenarios going on in your head are the least of your worries,  _Tones."_  And if that didn't make Tony freeze in his spot. Rhodey didn't even look at him either and the way he said his nickname sent shivers throughout his body. " _Now eat."_

Tony ate his eggs in silence, not missing the smirk settling on Ir'ah face.

-

"I know you didn't hole yourself down there for a week just to get a Goddess' attention." Rhodey's voice was surprising calm. Well, calmer than Tony expected it to be. He was waiting for the scolding tones, the yelling, the cusses anything but calm.

He should totally start to panic.

"Natasha filled me in on what exactly it was that made you lock yourself away and I have to say Tones, that was low. Even for you." The man sighed, leaned back in the sofa and watched his friend intently and if Tony wanted to squirm. Despite being used to eyes on him all the time, he didn't like the look coming from his best friend. "You know, you weren't the only one on that mission that felt what you did? Despite what you think of them Tony, even they have feelings."

"I know."

"Do you now?"

"It was stupid and it won't happen again. I just got caught up in-" Pause. "It doesn't matter now. Your new best friend already spoke to me." 

The colonel rolled his eyes.

"It's not that it was stupid you idiot. I'm not saying it wasn't stupid because it totally was. I'm saying that you didn't just lock yourself away because it was the only way to get Ir'ah here. You locked yourself away as a form of punishment to yourself. You weren't even sure if she was going to come but you still did it for the off chance that she  _might_ come. Do you know who called me panicking? Steve!  _Captain freaking America Tony!_ I never thought I'd hear him so at a loss and begging me to get here as soon as I could because apparently Pepper wasn't even able to get you out.  _Pepper!_ She's so going to kill you by the way, you're lucky she isn't here right now.

And then when I come I have to find out you have a new security protocol that won't let anyone in or out and that you even had the vents wired with security. I'm surprised you didn't comment on the lack of eyebrows on Clint which you'll be surprised he isn't pissed about. They're happy you finally came out. This morning was such a relief to them, to finally see you after a week. It was a relief to me that you were okay and that you actually slept." Rhodes sighed and ran a hand down his face. "Tony, you can't do this again. You  _can't._ " 

Tony took in his friend's tired face, the one he knows he put there. His heart clenched at the thought because it wasn't just Rhodey. It was the team, it was Pepper and Steve and he really didn't mean to. He only wanted to fix what had happened, it was the only thing on his mind, what willed him throughout the whole lockdown. But Rhodey saw more than that because he knew Tony longer than anyone. He knew what drove him, why it drove him, he saw the alternate reasons because he  _sees Tony_ for who he truly is and if Tony didn't know the man he wouldn't feel safe enough to let his mask crack but he felt himself cave in. He can feel himself frown and the emotion coming to surface because this was  _Rhodey_ and he was loyal and never judged him and  _safe._  

So he let the tears fall once again in the span of two days because he felt like he owed this to Rhodey, he owed it to him to be honest. Warm arms came and circled around him and Tony held onto him. He allowed himself to cry himself dry and Rhodey didn't comment on it, just held on and made sure Tony knew he was here whenever he needed. Tony finally pulled away, wiping his eyes away and looking at the man that's been there through worse. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt them, I just. Rhodey I needed to fix it and I thought I could but I can't. I know that now but it doesn't make it any easier to know that no matter what I try I can't save everyone. That kid  _shouldn't have been there_ but he  _was_ and I didn't calculate it-"

"Tony you couldn't have known! Sometimes things happen unexpectedly and you have to be able to adjust and sometimes you won't get the outcome you want. Hell, most times you won't get the outcome you want Tones but that doesn't mean you shut down. I'm here for you Tony, Pepper's here for you, your team is here for you. They felt as much as you did and you need to be able to trust them to help you when you need it."

"Last person I trust left me to die." Rhodey's face softened as he placed a hand on his shoulder.

"They aren't him, Tony. They don't even come close." Tony frowned, biting the inside of his cheek. Maybe Rhodey had a point but he knows, he knows what can happen if he puts his full trust in people. It comes back to bite you in the ass especially if you're Tony fucking Stark. 

"Yeah, I guess." Rhodey rolled his eyes and pulled the engineer in for another hug. 

"You're taking a break from the lab by the way." And before Tony could protest Rhodey shook his head and held his hand up. "Nope, I don't want to hear it! You spent enough time down there fuck you very much and Pepper is going to be pissed if I even let you down there after you just came up. Speaking of, she told me to call her as soon as you were out and I put it off until now so consider this your warning." Tony groaned, flopping furthing into the couch while Rhodey stood and pulled his phone out. 

"I would also suggest talking to your team. Seeing you at breakfast isn't enough. The least you can do is give them the cliff notes Tones." 

Tony wanted the couch to swallow him whole.

-

Tony found that having Ir'ah there was (surprisingly) comforting. Even if she wasn't paying attention to any of them and sat reading a book that she must've got from his study. He found that focusing on the turn of each page was better than settling on any of the eyes of his teammates. Especially Steves fucking wounded puppy eyes. Jesus if the serum ever wore off they could use those damn eyes to have any villain feeling guilty enough to surrender. Seriously, he hasn't seen anything like them before. 

"I know what I did was stupid," He began slowly, shooting a glare at Clint when he snorted. "I didn't mean to worry any of you. I thought I could fix it but turns out even I can't fix everything no matter what lengths I take. I know i'm not the only one who was affected with what happened and I'm sorry for reacting the way I did." He was met with silence and okay, he knows he didn't say much but that's the best he could come up with. He half expected Bruce to say something because he wasn't there when it happened because a code Green wasn't needed but silence was not one of them. He heard the turn of a page, his eyes flickering up to see the Goddess still reading. Jeez this was nerve wracking and that was coming from Tony himself. 

"I didn't know what else to do and I thought-"

Another page turn.

"It was stupid but I couldn't let it go and I just wanted to-"

Finger sliding down the edge of the page. 

"I'm sorry I shut down. It was never my intention-"

Another page turn. 

Tony shut his eyes and braced the back of the chair he was standing behind. He flickered his eyes across the room, everyone waiting on him.  _You can do this Stark._

"When I saw the kid go down, I felt that we-I had failed. We fight bad guys all the time, and we always come out on top with little to no casualties. They max civilian casualty he had goes as far as an injury. Just an injury, nothing more. Then we have this kid, his name was Matthew Johnson, recent graduate of NYU who had a future and it was just ripped away from him and I just  _couldn't handle it._ I built the suit to protect people from my weapons, because it was the weapons I built that were killing so many innocent people right under my nose. I built the armor to avenge them, avenge myself for what happened. That same armor I now use to protect our world and I couldn't stop the damn building-" He paused, taking a deep breath. "I thought I could undo what was done, so I locked myself away because I knew Ir'ah would come because for some odd reason she found it in herself to care about my well being and I knew if I neglected my well being enough she would come and she did. I guess I don't have to tell you that my plan didn't work, apart of me knew it wasn't going to work but I still had to try and I'm sorry I didn't come to any of you first.

I know we can't save everyone, I'm well aware but it doesn't make it any easier to see it happen. It makes me feel responsible and feel as though I should've done better and I can only upgrade tech so much until I run out of solutions and I just don't know what to do-" A warm hand cut off his rambling and he turned to stare at those blue eyes that were filled with concern and he let himself be pulled into the hug he knew he couldn't avoid.

"It's okay Tony, we understand." He whispered in his ear and Tony held on tighter. His heart felt warm and he felt relief flood his systems and  _oh, this is what trust feels like_ because when the others inevitable joined, Natasha murmuring sweet assurances in russian and Bruce rubbing his back and Clint and Thor and no, he wasn't going to cry again. He did enough of that already. 

Instead he took it all in, storing this in the back of his mind because he doesn't know if he'll ever feel this again. He spared a glance over the shoulders of Steve and Clint and saw Ir'ah with her book closed and smiling softly at him, giving him a curt nod before taking her leave to God knows where. He'll figure that out later, right now he has a group of people who surprisingly care about him. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited. I saw Endgame ya'll and my heart couldn't take it so you know I have to go watch it a second time. It would be a sin not to tbh. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. I think this chapter was necessary for an understanding on my character Ir'ah. I said there's a reason she wasn't an avenger and this is only apart of it. the further this story goes on you'll realize more as to why. Plus, I'm still trying to figure out the Steve/Tony relationship. 10/10 that will be explored next chapter because that's when we start going into IM3 storyline but obviously it won't be exactly the same as the IM3 storyline. lmk what you think though.

Sleep didn't come easy, not for him. No matter how many times his team will intervene Tony Stark will always be damned with nightmares. He doesn't know how to make them stop and the only way he manages to get through them is through workshop binges where he allows his mind to work instead of think about everything else he wished he didn't know. 

But now the workshop is off limits to him as of two days ago and this is night three where his mind simply won't let him sleep. 

He rubs his eyes from where he's sitting on the edge of his bed, gazing outside of his windows too the city that never sleeps and how ironic is that, that the man who almost never sleeps chose this place to be his home? Sighing, he gets up and makes his way to the elevator to go to the communal kitchen where the good coffee is because Steve decided to move his secret (apparently not so secret) stash from his floor to the common area in order for him to have more interactions with the team. 

It's three in the morning, a time he doesn't really expect anyone else to be awake. He knows in just a few hours Steve will wake up for his run, the wonder twins will rise and shine at eight (Natasha) and ten (Clint) and Bruce would wake at seven to make breakfast for the team. Thor was called away to Asgard, as he has been often since the battle of New York, something about keeping order between the Nine Realms. Ir'ah went with him, as per request of Thor's father. 

Which is why Tony wasn't expecting to see Ir'ah wrapped up in a blanket on the couch staring out into the night just a few hours since they left. He knew that she sensed him, the woman knows where everyone of them are throughout the day and this was no exception. She made no move to acknowledge him, however, even as he made his way to the kitchen to make his cup. 

Tony knew enough about the Goddess to extend a certain amount of trust. He allowed her to stay here since she healed Thor the first time they met primarily to keep an eye on her. After Loki, Tony wasn't to keen on trusting Gods, or Goddesses for that matter. It didn't help her that she put him to sleep against his own will but she didn't mean any harm by it. She put him to sleep because his body needed it and she didn't kill him when he knew she could. 

 _'I can feel them all'._  He remembers how small her voice was even if she tried not make it sound that way. There was a distance, a pain there that he knows means more than what she meant. She's hurting but he doesn't know from what. She never talks about herself, not really. Now that he thinks about it, most stories about her come from Thor and when Jane visits from both her and Darcy. Sure, Ir'ah has told a few of her own but they're mostly of her time with Thor and Loki when they were children. She doesn't mention her mother nor her father. Hell, she mentions Thor's parents more as if they were her own. She has said her homeworld is Dolem but he hears more about Asgard from both Gods than her homeplanet and isn't that a little odd?

He doesn't get the feeling that she's a threat because she's explained her abilities to him in detail when he asked and by the sound of it, if she wanted them dead than she would have them all killed without batting an eye.  Still, she never joined them in the few battles they had the months in between Thor's near death and now. She simply told Tony not to do anything stupid and Clint to stop jumping off buildings like a moron and opened a book to read as they went.

"You should be asleep." Tony raised his eyebrows, there was no punch behind her words. They sounded tired, like she said them just to say something. He poured two cups in his bigger mugs he had and brought them over to sit beside her, promptly blocking her view of the night. She only blinked and took the offered cup, taking a big gulp. 

"I could tell you the same thing."

"I didn't lock myself in a lab for a week."

"No but you're locking yourself up in your mind. Same thing really." A small curve of her lips means Tony didn't overstep. Which is good, this is good. "You're back early."

"I was not needed." Tony narrowed his eyes. 

"The Goddess of Life not needed in maintaining peace to worlds, hard to believe you weren't needed." 

"I decided I was not needed." Her voice held no tell for something more. Something he's noticed she does often if not all the time. 

Tony wasn't blind. He saw they way the team grew closer to her, albeit it took a little more time for Steve but ever since the stunt at the baseball game the two have gotten along well. She and Natasha got on like thieves in the night and if she isn't spending time in Tony's workshop she's with Bruce helping him with experiments and giving him her never ending knowledge of the cosmos. Clint enjoys showing her and Thor new foods and isn't that something? The team already integrating her as if she was apart of the team she hasn't officially joined? The conversation came up here and there but it never turned to anything of a decision.

But he didn't miss when Ir'ah would stay with the Hulk in the Hulk proof room until Bruce was able to come back post mission. She would talk to big green, telling him stories and the Hulk would listen on with fascination it blew Tony's mind. Then if Natasha wasn't available to soothe Bruce over then she would do it with no questions asked. There were mission that the wonder twins took with SHIELD, some took a toll on and Tony sometimes found them braiding each others hair or painting each others nails, speaking in russian to each other in hushed voices and holy shit when the hell did Ir'ah learn how to speak Russian? Tony knew that the Goddess learned for the spy. He'd once been alerted to Clint being perched at the very top of the tower and before he could race up there JARVIS pulled up the feed of Ir'ah sitting along with him at the edge, meditating of all things. The harsh lines on Clint's face would melt away and Tony could see the man visibly relax. He discovered later on that this wasn't the first time they'd do this after a particularly harsh week. Now Steve, Steve didn't particularly trust anyone very quickly. It took a while for Tony and Steve to warm up to each other and now Tony would consider Steve one of his closest friends. So it was strange to say the least, finding them watching a film that neither of them seen, occasionally with Thor or Clint, with Steve's head in her lap as she cards her fingers through his hair. Steve doesn't let anyone do that, but he let her and sometimes he would catch the last few strings of kind words she'd whisper and he'd fall asleep without a frown. Tony was totally not envious that she was allowed to do that, he was simply curious as to how they've gotten there, how any of them has gotten there with her. 

But then again.

Tony has allowed her in his workshop faster than he let Pepper the first time he met her and Pepper only got in by forcing her way in as opposed to Ir'ah who simply walked in, plopped herself on his couch and read or played with the bots. He'd find himself explaining to her what he was doing ang she'd often lend a hand for heavy lifting. He showed emotion in front of her, cried in her arms and even he is guilty if snuggling up beside her on his couch when his mind is tired, a hand threading through his hair and the other curled around him protectively. Okay, so maybe he can see why Steve let her card her fingers through his own hair but that didn't explain why she managed to find herself helping them through vulnerable moments, but nobody found themselves returning the favor. 

"Today means something doesn't it? At least to you?" Tony asked quietly, meeting her eyes straight on. She smiled softly at him, a small laugh leaving her lips. 

"You really are a genius."

"I'm wounded that you ever had any doubts." He was glad that he was able to pull out the grin out of her but it was quickly wiped away, her eyes focused instead on her hands. She frowned, her hands running over her armored covered wrists. Her fingers tapping against the carved metal.

"I'm not good." She muttered. "I don't think I ever was, regardless of being hailed a hero too many times to count." She looked up to him, staring too intently for him to be comfortable. "Are you sure you're ready to hear my demons?"

Tony almost snorted but held it back. If there was anyone carrying their demons around like they were his children it was Tony. 

"I built weapons that killed so many innocent people. People I built them to protect to begin with and they died at the receiving end of my creations. Innocent people died, families. I'm in no place to judge you."

"You didn't directly kill them Anthony, it was never something you wanted." She clipped one of her cuffs off to reveal her wrist, black markings in some sort of language covering it and when she took the other off it was the same. "I received this after I decimated half of my world, all because I couldn't keep my emotions in check. These are here to prevent me from doing so again, a lock on a part of me that I no longer have access to." Tony found himself tracing his fingers over the markings, memorizing the details and fine lines. 

"I wasn't the first born, but the second. I had a sister who I loved dearly, she was everything I wanted to be. She was kind and giving, made mistakes but was sure to never make them again. Taught me the lessons she's learned but never took away the opportunity for me to learn the hard way either. She'd find solution that my Father or Mother wouldn't and my parents were always proud. And so was I. Dolem was going to be lucky to have her as a leader when the time for my Father to step down would come.

That wouldn't come to pass, as the people of Torent, a smaller Kingdom on the other side of the planet wanted the crown and they wouldn't shy away from a war to get it. Torent became a people when they refused to succumb to the rule of my great grandfather, who cast them out and away from the Kingdom of Dolem when they lost the first war. Small battles here and there as the years went on but nothing as serious rose until the fight for the crown. 

They were vicious, held nothing back and killed many of my friends in battle. The worst part was that a lot of their warriors were still young, still considered children and they were killing mercilessly. My Father and our people would not kill children, no matter the cost so he called for a meeting between the two royal families. As you can guess the solution was to unite our people with a ceremony of unison between the first borns. Their son agreed quickly, Car'aan, said it would be the end of unnecessary bloodshed. His eyes were on me though, when he said it he never took his eyes off me and I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what it was. 

Months, after the ceremony of unison happened, I woke up to a pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. I felt something inside my rip open and shred itself apart. They killed her." She frowned down at her hands, clenching and unclenching from fists. "I reacted, I got there as soon as I could, only telling a guard that there has been a murder before taking off. When I got there-" Her voice was getting choked off, fighting herself to keep composure. Tony moved closer, moving her hair away from her face. 

"She was strung up in the center of the throne room, as if she were a prize. Car'aan was there, stood alone with a smile on his face, welcoming me as if I were a fucking guest visiting for the day. He blood dripped, still fresh-"

She shook her head, tears finally escaping her eyes and dropping down on the couch. 

"They wanted me there. They wanted me there so they could take me, mold me into their weapon. They had a sedative, enough to slow me down from ripping their armies apart with my bare hands. I was held down with ropes, pulling against them but I felt my control slipping, my rage seeping through. I couldn't let them win, I couldn't let them." She swallowed thickly, raising her glassed eyes to meet Tony's concerned ones. 

"My only regret was that I couldn't save her." There was nothing more to say, Tony knew. This was her pain, her biggest pain she carries. Her full ability locked behind magic that he wouldn't be able to comprehend enough to break and by the looks of it this was done by very powerful practicers of magic. 

"I was sent to Asgard to learn under King Odin, Thor's father, to control my power and as a punishment for my actions, I would not be able to return home. I was banished. Today marks yet another anniversary of that day. I find myself losing care as time goes on, but not enough to forget. Never enough to forget."

Tony didn't say anything, primarily because he didn't really know what to say. So he scooted close, he did what he needed to to when he was having one of his worst memories and images coming to the front of his mind. He pulled her close and he was relieved she let him. Tucking her head in the crook of his neck and curling up against each other and he'd be there as long as she needed. As long as they both needed. He kissed the top of her head and stayed and they both drifted off the a slumber that was very much needed.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how many chapter this will be so I just put 10 as a default. I may be more or it may be less. Let me know what you think.


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